remember the thing about loving too
hard?? well im doing it again. her name's julia. and like kensi, she makes
my world stop. she gives me butterflies. but i feel something when i look
at her, when im looking into her eyes. and its something that i dont think
ive ever felt before. i feel safe. i know that shes listening to me. shes
honest. shes fun to be around. she makes me laugh. did i mention shes
gorgeous?? shes great. absolutely great. out of anyone ive ever been
interested in or dated, i believe her when she says she likes me too. ive
been talking to her a lot and spending more and more time with her. and
with every conversation and each time i see her from across the room and
exchange smiles, i cant help but fall harder. i try to stop myself but we
all know that i love too much...and too hard.

we talked recently about whats going on with us. shes worried that shes
gonna hurt me because shes "fucked up" right now and doesnt want a
relationship. i told her that i wasnt asking for one and that she shouldnt
worry that i'll get hurt because i cant get hurt. well i lied. i can get
hurt and i think i already am. 

im a bit nervous to write this....not gonna lie.

im sick of loving. i love too much and too hard. ive always been the kind of person that likes to see others happy because thats what makes me happy. so a while ago, i decide to do something for myself. i was going to take a risk and go after the girl thats always made my world stop. the girl that leaves me speechless. every moment i spend with her is unbelivably intense and surreal. so i take the risk...knowing her past. i take a risk knowing that she cheated on someone else....with me. she loves women and women love her. i take a risk and try to give her a clean slate. things start off great, as always. i honestly felt as though she's going to make me a priority; something ive never felt like ive been...to anyone.

lets just add the part where shes pregnant now. shes having a baby. in august. a baby! she treats me like im going to be a big part of both of their lives. and i was ecstatic. so we had a date planned for today. i couldnt wait to see her. to feel her touch...to be weakened by her smell. the smell i can carry with me for days because its hers...anxious to press my lips against hers...to see her smile...and happy just to be in her presence.

so what happens you ask? well she was "on call" at work, a hair salon. so she was gonna call at 1 to let me knwo she didnt have to go in and that i could make the trek over the border to good ol wisconsin. theres a reason i quit getting my hopes up, because when she did call (at 2) she said she had went home, which is 2 hours away, and she'd call when she was leaving to come back. so i wait again...this time i wait 5 hours. she calls and i dont answer. meanwhile, i do some investigating only to find out that her damn salon is not even open on sundays!!! ahhhhhhhh. she gives me the worst feeling in my stomach that i never want to feel again. its anger, its humiliation, its hearing the "i told you so's." i let my gaurd down once again and i blame myself for that feeling in my stomach.